I don't update this enough.
So I'm pretty much killing this journal, will just have it here for the audiobooks.

Sorry people.
I love you all
Feel free to come message me on msn; colinwhite@paradise.net.nz

I'm employed happily again, bipolar is under moderate control. I'm cutting down the sedating drugs and am on some better ones. I'm surprised at how drugged out I get on my current ones, even on the reduced doses. If we'd had a fire I probably would die.

I had a friend stay for the week, and my confidence has had quite a boost. And having a pretty girl around has really started work gossiping.

I also have had a weekend partying in Auckland, visiting different cousins I remember from the dreamtime of the long past. They're older, more broken, but have shinys and great humor. And lots of crazy hyperactive kids. Rocket launchers and small children do not mix. Oh, and one of them owns two MiGs, but is selling them. Yes, did I mention the shinys?

Happy international zombie day everybody. There were a lot of bleary eyed people shuffling around my work this morning going 'uuuuuuuuhhhhh' and 'coooooffeeeee' and 'sleeeeep' Ah the first working day after daylight savings.

the last twenty four hours has been all numbers of stupid

my chest feels empty, and I've cried until I couldn't cry any more

i don't have the courage the confidence or the skill to change the situation
i used to

across the room, the only valentines present I've received beckons to me; a cutesy book with a penguin on the cover and a theme that is not appropriate for me

I haven't updated in a while. Funny how many posts start like that.

I'm doing ok I guess, not saving any money but living comfortably. Drugs are treating me ok, bipolar isn't too bad.

I'm waiting to hear back about a promotion to a scientist position I applied for. I don't think I'll get it because of who else applied, but that's ok. I've got several projects underway which have secured me in the laboratory's infrastructure.

In fact, one of my projects has opened up a position which means I'll have somebody working under me. Scary huh? I'm low of the low in the lab, but will have somebody to do leg work for me. Who knows, I might get promoted sideways into management.

I've taken up Capoeira, and that's chewing up three nights a week of my time as I'm trying to pack as much in as I can because there is a chance the teacher may leave soon. Otherwise I haven't been doing much with myself.

What I'm about to write is so important to me I may get it tattooed on me, or carry it with me inscribed on something metal. Sure it might be a TL:DL but given how little I write, if you take anything away just let it be the first sentence of the next paragraph:

I'm bipolar, and it means I live in a different world. Too often I hide myself from people, shy from socializing, idle on my blogs and chats because I'm scared to share what is happening inside. And I'm afraid for the people who might get hurt if they get close to me.

I'm getting treatment. I'm still not fixed; not even stable. In a few minutes for almost no reason I can go to walking inches off the ground and then to crashing suicidally low or visa versa. I'm very lucky to still be here. My world can be totally irrational while appearing completely logical to me. A string of random accidents can make me paranoid and I can even back it up calculating out percentages and probabilities and confidence intervals. Once an askew light fitting and an offhand comment by a flatmate had me scouring the house with a screwdriver for hidden cameras and microphones the next time my flatmate had an extended trip out. What is in my world is completely different from what most people experience.

And this leads to a huge problem when I'm told “everything will be ok” or “it will work out” or something of that ilk. Those words anger me, and make me more depressed, because at that moment I believe that it won't be ok, with a firm religious fervour that can't be overthrown. I need action or escape against the nightmarish world my fevered brain has created for me. Being taken away from that situation, be it somewhere new or to somewhere familiar, can make a major relief from the suffering.

One thing that I miss is the highs. In school I lived on the highs, and with the inhuman intelligence highs bring, and crashed into depressive lows after becoming exhausted after archery. I ran a rhythm then, and keeping a daily and weekly rhythm is important as it builds a stable world. I feel a lot dumber now, there isn't the fervour of having thoughts processing calculations while the brain is idling (a la Seti-at-home), recall of facts and data like a personal relationship with google, and there isn't the confidence to take a gamble and get it right. If you knew me between 2003 and 2007 you may have seen me exhibit these, but you might not have seen the crashes that followed.

I've lost my confidence; almost all of it. It has taken me over a year to get the courage to sit down and write this up. People I know feel like strangers to me all the time, and while I care for you I don't want to hurt you or scare you. I don't know how to shield you from what I do except by not approaching you. And this is why so many people don't see much of me. I'm trying to break out of this, as it has been crippling my social life.

So I still love you all, even if I haven't talked to you since forever. I'm trying to make a change, and live with being bipolar instead of being ruled by it. All past sins are forgiven. So it boils down to: be aware I live in a different world, and if things are getting hairy just get me out of where I am and things should return to normal. I'm bipolar I live in a very different world. And thank you for taking the time to try and learn about what living on the inside of my world can be like.

Ouch.

While doing a task for a cute young thing, I got this error message:

I'm exhausted, but finally have a place and internet.
And muffins. Muffins make everything good.

Now I just have to try to relax and enjoy life.

I need a place to stay in Auckland on Monday night.
I'm heading up to Northland for a job interview, can anybody help?

Anybody here visited / lived in Bermuda?

I feel so dirty.
I just used the word "Queef" to finish a game of scrabble with my mother.

Hold on, Cooking Mama aka Gardening Mama has NO NOSE!

That means her sense of taste and obviously smell is very limited. This explains a lot.

Since taking up a nicotine addiction my creativity and mind wanderings have increased.

Yesterday, coming into town I saw signs on a set of buildings that said "ELF ORE"

What is elf ore? Where do you mine it from? Does the fact that elves might then be metal smelted from it attribute to their long life? Or is mithril smelted from this ore the elves secrete? Does it have anything to do with their arrow producing glands?

I'm back from Armageddon, had a really wonderful time catching up with people.
Yay!
Spent far too much money, caught up with family and friends.
I didn't take as many photos as I should have, I need to be more confident.

a resting heart rate of 160 beats per minute : substance abuse for the win

I'm off to Armageddon.
I'm looking forward to this weekend.

I just got the phone call:
I did not get the job

( memecut )

So I got an axe handle but it broke first strike. I had to go get it replaced today, and show them the defect in the wood I took it to Mitre Ten. Totally reasonable huh?

A police car pulled up beside me on the one way system, the guy looked at me, the axe coming out of my jacket, and me again, and just shook his head.

Whoops, I forgot people get nervous around bikers

Well, the vet lab may be bending to my salary expectations. I've been asked to go down there on monday and show my skills off by working a day.

If there is anybody from Palmy KAOS reading this, could I crash on a couch late sunday night or monday night for a couple of pizzas or beer?

I have an interview in Palmerston North!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm hyper, won $3 on scratchies with a found dollar, and have opened a new bank account to get my finances under control. I asked a bipolar community how they keep their finances under control and the consensus was that they can't. So, I've set up a system where I give myself a living allowance and everything else is sorted out by the bank.

Now all I have to do is get this environmental sciences job. The job comes with a staff 4X4, and the town it is in comes with free rent and a plasma screen.

After a good workout at the gym, I've packed up some chili plants (habaneros mostly) to send to Selphiroth. I've also applied for an Environmental BOP job, which sounds like lots of fun because it will mean I get to play trucks around all the central lakes. My mood is low, but I'm trying to get out of this ditch. Tata Young is helping.

Tio point oysters. I've been doing a semi-professional shoot today, and have been paid in oysters. I don't eat seafood, and have nobody to 'work up' with the oysters. The irony hasn't escaped me.

Ok, for some really strange reason, both of my DVD drives on my computer don't like me to watch movies. They'll fail nastily at dramatic points, then I have to wade through anti-piracy messages and videos to get to the menu, scene selection and hopefully to the bit of my movie I was watching before.

They will however, rip a DVD to an ISO nice and quickly, which plays just fine in VLC.

I'm hiring these DVDs, which is me being good to the creatives people. But I'm being forced to pirate them to watch them.
I don't get this.

St Vallentine's day is coming up.
I dont think i will be able to do anything this year, the first in many years.
It feels like there is only one person left on my planet.

Well, the first week of my crazy adventures is going well.
I'm updating from dial up, so there won't be pictures until later.

I'm in the malborough sounds, port underwood to be precise, visiting my family. It is the land of plenty for them, and the friends that came and stayed. Man one of those boys had a killer body, all tanned and abs and lean muscle. I should have got a photo before they left. I was outside in a tent so they were free to visit me but they didn't :-(

Last week I was in Wellywood, and visited a heap of people there, and have a heap of people to visit on my return journey.

It is all a bit crazy really. This big trip started out as something just to visit serephs_folly as she returned south, but will go back through Wellington and Taranaki (to get more meds), up to Whakatane to visit a laboratory-gamer, pick up my dad from the airport and stay a few days. Then gold panning in the coromandel!

The birds here are so cute, quails and wekas and tuis, I'm still trying to get a quail that doesn't have a flock of lil babies running behind it.

I've applied for a decent amount of jobs. It looks like all the HR people have had a long time off between Christmas and the 14th. There are jobs which have been put up with a closing date a few days later. Makes getting documentation in before the deadline difficult this far from civilisation but I'm doing a decent job of it. The nearest broadband and post box is an hour that way *points across the sea*

yeah I know, TL:DR. But those in welly need to organise a time to see me on the 24th and 25th.

I made today a good day.
( emotional stuff about the morning )

I met spotted some pretty friends in town and had icecreams and the promise of a date.

I got things sorted with winz and applied for another job.

My scruffy hair got cleaned up. And the idea of developing a host club is growing on the people I've brought it up with.

I cleaned my chain, and spent an hour wobbling about on rollerblades. And while I was there I got talking to a guy on a push bike about chatterbots, solid state laptops, cellphones, the issues with tele-medicine, biomedical science and psychology. And then my pet project with soil science and mycology.

This morning, before I left my bed I said in an email that I'd make today a good day. And I have.
I'll make tomorrow a good one too.

Nowhere to go tomorrow. Nobody to be with.
Tomorrow night will be very rough

I'm taking up rollerblading. Man I suck. I also am not so good at knapping, which I've been meaning to do for years with a block of obsidian I found at lake Taupo.
Anyways. I made a skinning knife for my little brother:



I also went to the boxing day races and took plenty of photos.
Unedited pictures under the cut.

( +25 images )

I am all angsty about loneliness and lack of love
This got old a long time ago but I still cant fix it
I will very soon be at the end of my rope